A few days ago I had a long online chat with a woman I have known only via the Internet for about two years. During that time we only communicated by messages and by making sometimes flirtatious comments on our web pages. We wrote a lot about our families, what was going on in our lives. We got to know each other pretty well -- the good and the bad. We became real friends -- to whatever degree the term "real" can apply to an online relationship.
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During the past few months, however, the communications have become more sexual in nature. She started sending me pictures of herself in various seductive poses; I would talk about some of my recent and not-so-recent sexual encounters -- names changed to protect the guilty, of course!
For weeks she had been trying to get me to call her, which I was reluctant to do. Eventually, though, we ended up in a long online chat, a first for us. It quickly turned into a sexual ritual, that special erotic dance men and women do before they get down to the serious stuff. As the flirtatious dance got more serious, she hit me with a question I wasn't expecting and which I answered with all the sensitivity of a 10-year-old.
She asked me if I ever had sexual fantasies about her. I told her, "No," I hadn't.
OK. Big mistake, I should have been a gentleman and lied and said "sometimes" or even an evasive, "Well, who wouldn't, you sexy thing!" Instead, I just blurted out the truth. "No."
In addition to just being stupid, there were two other reasons for my klutzy response. First, she is a married woman with several kids, into her second marriage now and I am single, and second we live well over a thousand miles apart. However things might evolve, the likelihood of our relationship becoming more than just an Internet sex fantasy seemed remote.
For myself, my marital status -- single -- means that I can still have guilt-free, real relationships with available single women. Not that I do that often, but that's the theory anyway. Even online sexual flirtations with other single women have a different dimension. No one is cheating on anyone else. Done right, no one should come out of an online affair hurting anyone else.
In her case, her fantasy of me is not real, she is not available, and it has the potential of damaging her marriage. I can hear the Greek Chorus out there saying, "What business is it of yours, Sky? If the woman wants to have long distance fantasies, that's her choice. Just go with the flow and have some fun!"
From what she has told me, her husband -- who travels a lot -- has no idea that she is online looking for sexual encounters with strangers like me. I guess the question, to put it in its crudest form, is whether there's something wrong if she gets her sexual release with strange men like me and her husband doesn't know about it? Unless she decides to tell her husband, I am part of a deception that could possible destroy her marriage. I know enough about her to understand that the foundation of her relationship with Hubby is not all that strong to begin with -- otherwise, why flirt with me? Getting caught in an online affair could possibly have dire consequences for her and her children. Do I want to be responsible for that?
I think the topic raises two important issues: the issue of honesty with your partner, and the openness with which partners can discuss their sexual fantasies.
Should you tell your partner that you have these kinds of fantasies and online relationships?
My reaction is, "No." Most people simply are not secure enough in themselves and in their relationships to hear about their partner participating some kind of cyber-fuck with other people. If you say you are having sexual fantasies about another man, most men are going to get very pissed about it. We don't like having competition we can't punch out in a face-to-face confrontation.
If the roles were reversed and a guy tells his partner that he's got this hot, online chick that can really turn him on, most women are not likely to welcome the news. Most will be jealous as hell and insist on knowing all the sordid details. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn't rip out your Internet cable connection and smash your lovely LCD computer screen.
All these new ways of "getting it on" do not change human nature.
Consider, also, the likelihood that your online fantasy lover will find his or her way into the family bed. So there you are trying to make love to your lifetime partner and in the back of your mind is some delicious-looking lady you have been chatting with online. What then? Do you tell your partner?
A Web MD article recently looked at the pros and cons of admitting these fantasies:
One good reason to remain mum, says Barbara Bartlik, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University, is that the majority of people in long-term, fulfilling sexual relationships do not necessarily think about their partner when they're at the height of sexual passion. But even though both partners might routinely think of something other than each other, revealing this may result in hurt feelings.
That's putting it lightly. An additional problem with online fantasies is that they are not just fantasies -- often they involve each partner masturbating while the phone call or chat proceeds to more erotic subjects. The basic rule of ethical behavior is that you can think what you want, but once your thoughts are turned into action, then an important ethical and moral line has been crossed. Assuming one of us is already in a relationship, do I actually have to be in your bed, making love to you, before our act can be considered "cheating"?
The other side of this argument might be -- and perhaps in the case of my friend -- that by having these online sexual trysts she is in fact saving her marriage. She is less likely to have a "real" affair with some Bozo in the house or condo next door. On the "cheating scale," I guess that is true: long-distance, online affairs are neater, easier to hide, usually easier to end, and -- like so much of our imaginary cyber-lives -- it doesn't seem completely real.
So, when Hubby or the Mrs. wants to know if we've been true, we can answer with a straight face, "Honey, the only one really in my life is you!"
"I have to break a social norm for my psych class. Any suggestions?"
Every psychology course has this experiment they make you do, where you have to go out and break social norms and then observe people's reactions. And I always see students posting somewhere asking what should they do, because they can't think of anything.
I'm an expert at living this way. Here's a list of ideas:
Be a guy and hate sports.
Actively try to talk other men out of their sports fandom.
Don't watch TV in public places.
Such as at bars, restaurants, and break areas. Instead, take the seat directly under the TV or as close as possible, facing away, and actively watch the people watching the TV. Study them like primates at the zoo. You'll even discover that an audience is twice as fascinating as anything that's on the tube.
Be online and use correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
Almost counts as a taboo these days. At least half the readers so far have hated me a little bit, but they can't quite put their finger on why.
Show up at any gambling establishment and loudly proclaim the true mathematical odds to the games.
You can do this at a counter selling lotto tickets, too. Casino security will throw you out.
Pick up trash in public places.
Like, a busy street intersection, a fairgrounds, a public park, the beach, etc. Patrol it. If you see someone litter, don't even confront them about it, just pick the trash up and put it in the receptacle like that was your job.
Stand by crosswalk buttons, elevator buttons, and door buttons and push them for everybody who walks up.
Just like you were there for that purpose. Another fun one is stay in the restroom and whenever anybody's done washing their hands, do whatever you have to do to get the damned paper towel dispenser to cough up a few sheets and have it ready to hand them by the time they get there.
Take up origami. Make it your calling card.
Leave little paper froggies and cranes along with your tip for the waitress. Hand out paper flowers in public places. It's like being a performing street mime, but you're the origami person. Take requests. Fascinate kids in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Re-purpose your junk mail.
Go outside dressed for summer in sub-freezing temperatures.
It helps if you're a native northerner and are used to the cold. Barefoot footprints in the snow are amazing. Shorts and a Tshirt everywhere.
If you live in Las Vegas, take a cocktail in a glass with you everywhere you go.
Las Vegas is one drunk city and I did this when I lived there - I specify Las Vegas because of their extra-lax laws on public drinking. I'm talking a real drink, with ice cubes and a swizzle stick. It doesn't even get much of a reaction. Don't drive, of course. The store, the bank, your landlord's office when you drop off the rent check, at the laundromat, etc. Heck, it's hard to find someplace that isn't selling alcohol already.
Spend the day talking in a different voice.
If you can do voices or at least accents, do a munchkin or Tweety or Elmer Fudd all day. Keep it up even after you're getting tired of it yourself.
If you're any good at acting, act dumber than you really are.
Spend the day role-playing as Forest Gump, or somebody at about the same IQ level. Don't do this if you're easily depressed, because it's really sad to see how much more open people are to you if they think you're dumb. Women flirt more, people trust you and confide in you สมัครจีคลับ more, everyone's guard is down, and you get praised outrageously for completing the simplest task if it appeared that you're struggling with it.
Dance, sing, skip, and otherwise frolic everywhere you go.
People will inevitably ask you why. Just smile like a million bucks and say "I'm being happy!" It's amazing how upset people get when they see somebody being happy in public for no reason! You'd think people were ready to call the police or something.
Drive the speed limit.
In fact, obey every traffic law to the letter. Every other driver on the road will be foaming with rage at you. In city driving, stoplights are actually timed to work with speed limits, so the idiot who's screeching and weaving through traffic will just get to be the first one to stop at the next stoplight and wait the longest. Pull up beside them again at your sedate 35MPH pace. Wave to them like you're the Queen of England.
Use an alternative operating system.
I run Linux. Furthermore, when the subject comes up, if I possibly can get away with it I act like I'm the majority and it's the people who use Windows that are on a freaky fringe cult.
Be super-conscious of other people's clothes.
We all compliment somebody else's shirt or something. This is taking it to the next level. Really look at what people are wearing and try to analyze the logic. Are they making a statement, obeying a custom, being boring and practical, or just throwing on whatever was between them and the door that morning? Evaluate it out loud and ask them if you're right. Engage people in conversation about it - what was going through their heads when they picked out that outfit? How did they end up with this item? Why did they buy it? Why did they wear black today? Do they think the green in this blouse goes with their eyes? Are they wearing "fall colors"? Do they really like that team? Where did this stain come from? Do they know this button's missing? And so on. Watch out, women will think a man is a creep for ogling them.
That's off the top for now. If one of these won't work, perhaps they inspired you to try a related idea. Have fun!